Game 1 reactions….from a bus!

Muchos apologios (not a word) for the lack of a monday post-game post.  As many of you know, I’ve been in KC on a much-needed vacation for the past 5 days, and I never really had time to sit down at a computer for 2 hours.  Too busy gettin’ my hang on.  Fortunately, megabus now has wireless internet, so here I am traveling across the great state of Missouri in the top front seat of a sweet double-decker, and I finally have a chance to lay down some hot Big Hatt tracks.  I think we’re gonna go bullet-point on this one.  Always feels like kind of a copout, but it makes things a lot easier when you’ve got a wide variety of topics to cover.

• The game was much closer than I thought it would be, but that shouldn’t distract us from the fact that Baltimore still pretty much dominated us on both sides of the ball.  If not for McGraw’s amazing punt-block/recovery and DJs 70-yard INT return, we probably would’ve lost by 30.  I don’t want to call those plays lucky, but the fact is that on a play-to-play basis Baltimore was in a totally different league.
• Similarly, we shouldn’t let Brodie Croyle’s 106 quarterback rating distract us from how he actually played.  When Croyle is our quarterback, our offense doesn’t move.  It’s that simple.  I know he throws short passes really hard, and for some reason people like that, but Croyle is not a good quarterback.  His game-ending meltdown should be all the proof we need of that.  With the game on the line, when good QBs shine, Croyle pulled a Jodie Foster and locked himself inside the Panic Room.  Much like the movie, this Panic Room should not require a sequel.  It will, however, require us to switch Croyle’s name from Brodie to Jodie. 
• Corey Mays had a disappointing game.  I know its early, but watching Mays felt a lot like watching Pat Thomas.  He just never  seemed to be in the mix.  Here’s hoping he has a better game against Oakland, otherwise Darren McFadden and Mikey Bush are gonna have a field day.  They probably will anyway.
• Glenn Dorsey fucking sucks.  Once again, I spent the entire game watching him, and once again, he got owned almost every play.  No push, no moves, nothing.  And if anyone tells you he was double-teamed they are straight-up lying.  I saw him doubled once all game, and it was by a running back on a passing play.  Random chance.  When the ball is snapped Dorsey basically just starts shoving whoever is in front of him.  On passing plays, the offensive lineman is happy to get into a shoving match.  On running plays, Dorsey is directed wherever the ONE lineman blocking him wants him to go.  He did have some nice penetration that allowed Speedwagon to make a tackle for a loss, but that was one play out of what, 40?  Dorsey will be gone after this season.  I just hope its via trade (but I kind of doubt it).
• The defensive line will be our achilles heel.  We simply can’t succeed with these useless oafs up front.  They looked tired by the end of the first quarter.  It’s understandable that Tyson Jackson would be a step slow given how new he is to the team, but Dorsey and Tank are liabilities.  They each had one good play (where they didn’t make the tackle) and got pushed around on every other.  And their technique is atrocious.  These guys major in shoving and minor in taking a knee.  I gotta think Krumrie is at least partially to blame for this.  I spent sunday late afternoon/evening and monday night glued to other team’s defensive lines, and the difference is staggering.  Our guys simply don’t know what they’re doing out there.
• Remember my prediction about Tamba Hali?  Your boy Big Hatt is damn near clairevoyant sometimes.  Seriously though, I thought Tamba looked good out there.  The weight loss suits him.  I honestly didn’t think he looked out of place at linebacker at all.  In fact, it seemed like the only real difference is he was standing up instead of in the three-point stance before he rushed the passer.
• “Jesus Christ, Brodie, snap the fucking ball!  You hear me?  Snap.  The fucking.  Ball!”  I love it.  All hail Todd Haley, the anti-Herm.
• We threw to my man D-Bowe 3 times, and he made 3 good plays.  Now I’m not saying we should overlook Terry Copper (again, I am), but hopefully Todd Haley recognizes that bad practice habits or not, Dwayne Bowe is a gamer.  We should be throwing his way 10 times per game.
• Mike Brown impressed me.  No big plays per se, but about 10 solid ones.  If this is what we can expect from Brown for the rest of the season, then I’ll shut my mouth about Bernard Pollard.  The problem, of course, is that Brown will probably end up on the DL at some point.  Although even if that happpens I suppose Jon McGraw would make a decent stop-gap.  That blocked punt was awesome enough, but to recover the fumble after all those idiots (Copper!) kicked it around?  Impressive.  McGraw seems determined to earn my respect. 

OK gang, thats all for your boy Big Hatt.  I get back to NYC saturday night, so don’t expect another post before sunday’s game.  Do, however, expect a return to form monday.  Two posts per week while the season lasts.  Thats my promise.  As far as Sunday is concerned, I’m a little concerned.  I had this game penciled in as a win before the season, but watching Oakland’s defense and running game against San Diego scared me.  Thank God for Jamarcus Russell.  If he somehow has a decent game, we’re in deep trouble.  So while I don’t normally do this, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Dear Jesus (Holy Spirit?)

Please grant Branden Flowers a speedy recovery.  Maurice Leggett is totally overmatched as a starting cornerback.  He was picked apart all game.  I’m pretty sure even that fat dunce from LSU (Russell, not Dorsey) can hit receivers with a 10 yard cushion, so please, for the love of your dad, give us this day our daily bread (Flowers).  Amen.

Sincerely,

canine care specialist/blogger/LOTR enthusiast who is fairly certain you don’t exist

Operation Hatt-watch

The excitement is building.  Every day it gets a little harder for me to sit still.  The summer has a way of making me forget how integral Chiefs games are to my life in the fall.  The initial sting of another disappointing season has had enough time to wear off, and I just go about my summer life having summer fun, oblivious to the fact that in a few short months “fun” will have a whole new meaning.  Training camp starts and I begin to remember.  Preseason starts and its like I hear the echo of a Helm’s horn in the distance.  I know something is coming, but it still seems far off.  Not yet real.  Then, about a week before the season, it hits me: holy shit, the Chiefs are back!  How did I ever live without this?  What the hell have I been doing these last 8 months?  Was I really following the Royals?  Why would a person do something like that?  Oh well, nevermind, its over now.  My life once again has meaning.

That feeling just hit me wednesday.  I was walking my dog and I saw some leaves falling off a tree this kid was shaking, and it reminded me of autumn in KC.  Maybe myself as the little kid?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I was immediately overwhelmed by feelings of excitement and giddy anticipation.  I can’t believe how close we are.  Its like an essential part of me thats been sleeping for the past 8 months finally woke up.  I will now stop daydreaming about The Noldor and The Sindar and start daydreaming about linebackers and cornerbacks.  Visions of Paul Muad’Dib will turn to visions of Todd Haley.  Time formerly spent playing Final Fantasy will now be spent angrily blogging.  This must be how nature feels when spring has finally sprung.  In other words, its great to be back.

I still think we’re going to be terrible, but that hardly even matters right now.  It’s been a long time since I actually thought the Chiefs were going to be good.  Right now I’m mainly excited about players.  What follows is a list of the players I’m most excited to watch this season, and why.  Defense, particularly the front 7, is prevalent, because I feel like that’s the part of our team with the most potential, for good or bad.  We know the secondary is going to be pretty good, we know the O-line is going to be real bad, and we know our offense in general will struggle, but the front 7 is a mystery.  Its also the part of our team Scott Pioli tried hardest to improve.  Really, the only part of the team he tried to improve.  How the front 7 progresses will tell the real tale of the Chiefs 2009 season.  All right injuns, lets get to it.

# 10 Tamba Hali-If you’d asked me six months ago what I thought of Hali’s chances at successfully making the transition to linebacker I’d have said slim to none.  Now I think he’s gonna pull it off, although it won’t be pretty.  There are bound to be some times Hali will look pretty silly playing in space, particularly in pass coverage.  Still, I expect us to see a guy that looks more like the rookie Tamba Hali than last year’s Tamba Hali.  I’m looking forward to watching him get back on track this season.  Tamba is seems like the type of guy Pioli and Haley want, and I bet he’s one of the few Herm draft picks that survives the continuing purge.  In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised for him to retire a Chief.  In 10 years I imagine we’ll look back on these miserable teams and remember Tamba Hali fondly……while we try to forget almost everyone else.

prediction: Tamba Hali is going to have a big sack sunday and its going to be a weird, emotional moment for all of us.

#9 Tank Tyler- For the record, I think Tank is going to fail miserably at nose tackle this season.  He’s definitely a fan favorite, but to me that’s more an indictment of the fans than an endorsement of Tank.  The guy hasn’t shown anything in the 2 years we’ve had him, and I doubt he’s suddenly going to figure it out now that we’re expecting so much more of him.  My guess is he wilts under the pressure and loses the starting job to Ron Edwards.

Still, if Tank can somehow become an effective NT it would be a massive boost to our defense.  NT is all-important in the 3-4, and its also our biggest defensive weakness.  It would be incredible if Tank stepped up and turned that weakness into a strength.  Again, I think thats highly unlikely, but the mere possibility makes this an intriguing situation.  If he’s good, we’ve got our NT.  If he’s bad, I’ve got yet another reason to rag on Herm Edwards.  Win-win.

#8 Branden Albert- Albert would be a lot higher on this list, but it just isn’t that much fun for me to consistently watch offensive linemen.  I’m a little out of my element when trying to evaluate them, and I feel like I’d have to watch a guy exclusively for almost an entire game to really get an accurate feel for how he’s playing.  I just don’t have the patience for that.  But I’ll definitely be watching Albert as much as possible.  I want to see how good he really is.  I think he’s good just  like everyone else does, but it occurs to me that most of us are basically taking that on faith without doing the necessary research.  Statistically, he was only average among left tackles.  Can any of us honestly say we watched him enough to know things like his technique and footwork, or even his overall strengths and weaknesses?  I certainly haven’t.  I hope to find those things out this year.

Albert is extremely important to the future of the team (and to Matt Cassel’s well-being), so it seems fitting I put him under the microscope.  Most of my time with the offensive line last year was spent laughing at Traffik Kopp, and the year before that at Chris Terry.  I’m sure I’ll once again spend a lot of time laughing at whoever our right tackle is, but I’m also going to try to focus more on legitimately evaluating Branden Albert.  Watching our worst players so you can laugh at them when they fail probably isn’t the healthiest way to root for a team.  Then again, it might be the only thing that’s kept me sane (relatively) these past couple years.

#7 Corey Mays- Still haven’t seen Mays play.  Not a snap.  I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, but everyone I talk to or read is singing this guy’s praises.  I want so badly to believe he’s actually good.  Middle linebacker is my favorite position on the field, and it has been absolutely painful these last two years watching Nap Harris and Pat Thomas stand around the pile and rack up half-tackles.  Mays could be the man to finally end my suffering, and if so I’ll love him forever.  Or he could end up being just another dufus off the scrap heap.  Given how easily they let go of Zach Thomas, I’m thinking Pioli and Haley see something in Mays.  At least I hope so.  I’ll be watching him probably closest of all on sunday.

#6 Demorrio Williams- A month ago is looked like R boi Speedwagon wasn’t even going to make the team.  Then the Speedwagon Support Skwad got mobilized, and before long our main man was back in the starting lineup and primed for a breakout season.  At least, that’s the way the story will be told to future generations.  Whether or not Demorrio makes the most of this opportunity remains to be seen, but I for one am glad to see him with the first unit.  I’ve heard enough people call DJ soft that I pretty much believe it now, and if Haley has him third string there has to be a problem.  I’m hoping (and sort of expecting) Speedwagon is going to live up to his name and be all over the field this season.  That would be sweet vindication for those of us who’ve stuck by him whilst Beast Nation proclaimed him not Beast enough.

#5 Matt Cassel- Cassel should probably be number one on this list, but the fact is there are players I’m much more excited to watch.  I don’t feel like we can really learn that much about Cassel with this monstrosity of an offense around him.  I suspect he’ll put up bad numbers but not embarrass himself.  Sort of like Trent Green’s first year with us.  This is a pretty similar situation, actually.  We bring in a new leader with some clout, then immediately trade for the backup quarterback from his former team.  A quarterback that, while not flashy, is definitely solid, and has never really had a chance to start.  Matt Cassel is just a younger Trent Green in my eyes.  Time will tell, but I’m fairly certain he’ll put up similar numbers once he gets a decent cast around him.

Don’t get me wrong, Matt Cassel is definitely all-important to the future of the Chiefs.  But this year there are other players whose performances will be far more interesting to me.  Players like….

#4 Tyson Jackson- This one is a no-brainer.  I’m dying to see Scott Pioli’s first draft pick with the team in action.  Preliminary reports have been positive, but I still feel like Jackson was a reach at #3.  He’s going to have to be pretty damn good to convince me otherwise.  I realize its going to take time, and I’m not asking for 10 sacks here.  But I do want to see this guy get out there and get after it.  He’s our only defensive lineman whose future I am even remotely optimistic about, and a lot depends on his development.  Somebody on this line has to draw double-teams, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be Dorsey.  He only draws the Dorsey-double.

#3 Dwayne Bowe- If Matt Cassel is even going to be decent this year, it will be because of Dwayne Bowe.  If Bowe has a monster year, Cassel might fare reasonably well.  There is no other way.  I doubt LJ gets 1,000 yards and we might not have any other receivers that will even get 500.  If our offense is going to move, Dwayne Bowe has to be the mover.  Hey, I’m not trying to slag off Brad Cottam and Terry Copper (yes I am), but when it comes to pass-catchers my boy D-Bowe is all we’ve got.  The Show is definitely going to be of the one-man variety this season.  The good news is, that one man is electric.  A star in the making.  I know he dropped some passes last year and was “benched” this preseason, but I see 1,500 yards and 10 touchdowns in Bowe’s immediate future.  And you guys better hope I’m right, because if he slumps or gets injured we’re going to be the worst offense in the league.  Actually, I guess the same could be said of Branden Albert or Brian Waters.  We, uh, we don’t have a lot of good players on this offense.

#2 Brandon Flowers- I’ve been waiting almost a decade for the next James Hasty, and finally, here he is.  Flowers is a stud.  Easily my favorite player on the team.  Last year it seemed like whole games would go by without the opposing quarterback ever throwing his way, and any time they showed a replay he was always on his man like glue.  But what impressed me even more than his coverage was his physical presence.  Flowers was great in run defense and he hit hard in the secondary.  Maybe I’m over-hyping here, but this is one player I’m fairly certain is destined for greatness.  I have hopes he can one day join James Hasty in the BMCC ring of honor (under construction).

#1 Glenn Dorsey- Initially I had Dorsey at #4 on this list, but that was dishonest.  The fact is, the player I’m most excited to watch is one I’m fully expecting to fail.  I want to move on and be optimistic and expect good things, but every time I see Dorsey its like he’s a sign that reads:

Dear Hatt,

Fuck you

sincerely,

Herm Edwards, Carl Peterson, Bill Kuharich, Gunther Cunningham, Bob Gretz, Chiefs DJ, and Beast Nation

I can’t help it.  In my mind, Dorsey is symbolic of Herm Edwards disastrous, team ruining “rebuilding” effort.  The two will forever be linked.  I should probably just leave the fat dunce alone and try to ignore him, but I know that’s not possible.  I’ve invested too much time in Glenngarry Glenn Dorsey.  Too many hours alone in bars angrily watching his every move.  I’ve subconsciously trained myself to immediately find him at the beginning of every play.  Whether I want them to be or not, my eyes will be glued to Dorsey whenever he’s on the field. Last year I got my bachelor’s degree in Dorseynomics.  This year I’m going for my Master’s.

Like I said earlier, Dorsey is likely to fail.  My guess is he’ll be benched by mid-season.  Unless he’s a totally different player from last year (which, judging from the conditioning debacle, he isn’t), Dorsey is going to spend another season getting pancaked and blown off the line of scrimmage.  The only difference is Todd Haley isn’t going to make excuses for Dorsey’s poor play.  My impression is he’s not a man who appreciates the nuances of the Dorsey-Double.  The question is, how will Beast Nation react to their golden boy getting benched?  I can’t wait to find out.  And I have to admit I’ll take a lot of pleasure in a final, devastating blow to what’s left of the Lie Guys’ legacy.  When Dorsey flops, a lot of people will have to answer for saying a lot of stupid things.  I’ve been waiting for that day since Dorsey was drafted, that day of reckoning.  Each game brings it closer.

Or Dorsey could be awesome.  I’ve certainly been wrong before, and after all……..BEEEEEEEEEEEAST!!!!!!!!

OK gang, thats my list.  Honroable mention goes to Jamal Charles and DuJuannaman.  Hell, throw Cottam in there too.  That makes all 3 of last year’s 3rd round picks.  I hated that round at the time, and they didn’t inspire much confidence as rookies, but all three should see more playing time this year.  Maybe one of them will step up and take advantage.  Could happen.  Probably not for Cottam, though.

See You Sunday bitches!

Hatt

PS prediction: Ravens 10, Chiefs 3

It turns out Bernard Pollard just wasn’t “right” enough

In continuation of what has become a grotesque Chiefs tradition, our terrible, boring defense’s most exciting player was sent packing.  Bernard Pollard joins the ranks of Scott Fujita, Kawika Mitchell, Jimmy Wilkerson, Jared Allen, and Eric Downing as players who actually managed to play well on one of our legendary awful defenses and were rewarded by being promptly removed from the team.  This sends a clear message: if you somehow excel despite awful coaching, loser teammates, and inept game-plans, there is no room for you on the Kansas City Chiefs.  We like our defenders bad.  If possible, embarrassingly bad.  Sorry Bernard Pollard, no room at the inn.  Mr. Dorsey and Mr. Tyler are currently occupying our presidential suites.  And we’ve got to keep a room open in case Bill Belichick decides to throw us some more scraps.  Oh I’m sorry, did I say scraps?  I meant “right players.”  You know, guys like Terry Copper.  Guys you can win with.

I heard the story a week ago that we were shopping Pollard, and I was scared we might trade him.  Little did I know even that was too much to hope for.  Pollard was just straight-up cut?  This move is troubling for a lot of reasons.  It points to some traits of the new administration that scare me a little.  Think about it, what would you have said 7 months ago if I’d told you our new coach and GM were going to trade Tony Gonzalez, piss off Brian Waters, cut Bernard pollard and bench Dwayne Bowe?  Quite the rap-sheet.  Indicative of a pretty serious pattern of attacking our few good players, and for what?  Is the goal here to improve the team or empower those who run it?  We’ve seen a lot of the latter, and not much of the former.

And now we’ve cut Bernard Pollard because of his attitude.   Far be it from me to bad-mouth “the process”, or “the plan”, or “the rebuild”, or “the right guys”, or whatever the fuck our latest wack buzz-term is for sucking ass, but I want our coaches and GM looking at more than just work ethic and coachability.  Those things are great, but they aren’t going to win you a lot of games without talent.  What’s next, we suspend Brandon Flowers for not properly studying his playbook?  Pollard was one of the 10 best players on our team.  I find it hard to believe that releasing him makes us better.  Even if they didn’t want him to start, Pollard’s value as a special-teamer alone would’ve been immense.  Nope.  Better just cut him so we don’t get anything in return.  The only silver lining, if you can call it that, is that when Mike Brown inevitably gets injured we’ll finally get a good look at my boy DaJuannaman.

There were a few other mildly surprising cuts, but nothing earth-shattering in my mind.  A lot of people saw the Zach Thomas cut coming.  My guess is Thomas’ “injury” was severe shock and brain trauma caused from seeing just how terrible this team really is.  In any case, Corey Mays and my boy Speedwagon rendered Thomas unnecessary.  It’s a good thing, too.  A line backing unit with Zach Thomas, Mike Vrabel and Tamba Hali might have been the slowest ever assembled.

I’m actually oddly excited about this group of linebackers.  If you squint you can see a solid unit in there.  A deep unit, at the very least.  We kept 10 total, and most of them are guys I wouldn’t be totally embarrassed to see on the field.  I’m glad Andy Studebaker didn‘t get cut.  He had a few sacks this preseason, and anyone who shows the slightest ability to rush the passer should be kept at all costs.  It was also nice to see our boy Turk McBride make the team.  Turk has somehow become a pretty popular player on this blog, and I think we’re all pulling for him.  Unfortunately, I don’t see him getting a lot of PT at linebacker.  Our current situation screams for him to be moved back to defensive end.  We kept 6 total defensive linemen, and they’re basically all question marks.  If you take out Ron “The Freak“ Edwards, the entire group has combined for one NFL sack.  Under right defensive end, our depth chart reads, “First team: Glenn Dorsey. Second team: Wallace Gilberry.”  Not a joke.  Clearly our defensive line needs all the help it can get.  I’d feel much better with Turk in the mix there instead of wasting away as a third string linebacker.

The most alarming situation, though, is obviously the right side of the offensive line.  Things are scary over there.  If the Chiefs roster were middle earth, the right tackle position would be Mordor.  That is an evil, evil place for us.  I have no idea who is going to start, or how long they‘ll last.  I heard a rumor a while back that we’d hired a bunch of Japanese scientists to make some sort of cyborg version of Chris Terry, but the prototype turned against them.  They don’t know where he is now.  The worst part is that if they ever do find him, there will be no way to tell which Chris Terry it is.  The human version’s whereabouts are also unknown.  He was last seen sailing into the sunset on a small, crude raft with a colleague that may or may not have been Adrian Jones.  No one knows where they went, and we never got a chance to thank them.  It’s rumored they were going to look for Junior Siavii, but its also rumored Junior Siavii is dead.  Dead or alive, they’ll find him.  I know they will.  Those guys can do anything.

Hurry up boy, there’s a doins a transpirin’!

Obviously I wasn’t able to catch the preseason game saturday night.  My impression is that, once again, there wasn’t much to see.  Unless, that is, you tuned in looking for some really bad offensive line play resulting in a scary injury to our new franchise quarterback.  If thats what you wanted, the Chiefs delivered in a big way.  Plenty more where that came from!  Seriously though, it seems like terrible offensive line play has been the norm so far this preseason.  Can’t say I’m surprised.

Fortunately, this front office at least recognizes there’s a problem.  Last week the Chiefs traded an undisclosed draft pick* for Andy Alleman and Ikechuku Ndukwe, two backup offensive linemen from the Dolphins.  Neither of these guys are world-beaters by any means, but I still think it was a good move.  The right side of our line, for the 4th year running, is an absolute mess.  We need bodies, and although these guys probably won’t be good, maybe one of them turns out to be decent, or at least not totally embarrassing.  That would be an upgrade for us.  So yeah, good move.

*What possible reason could Scott Pioli have for refusing to disclose what draft pick we traded?  How does that help us?  Can anyone come up with a reasonable explanation for this ridiculous behavior?  If so, I’m all ears.

The problem, of course, is that its now September.  So while one part of me wants to praise Scott Pioli for recognizing a problem and attempting to address it, the other part of me can’t help but ask: what the hell took so long?  Pioli had a whole offseason (and a fartload of cash) to address what was obviously a huge problem and he chose to do nothing.  Did it really take him this long to figure out Niswanger and Traffik Kopp suck?  He should’ve known that six months ago.  Ditto for the receivers.  These scrap heap pickups are fine, but Pioli had much better options during free agency when there were, you know, good players available.  Instead of using some of our $50 million in cap space to sign any of them he repeatedly reminded us that “its not the best 53 players, its the right 53 players.”  What makes Amani Toomer one of the “right” players and T.J. Houshmandzadeh one of the “wrong” ones?  Couldn’t be that price tag, could it, Clark Hunt Scott Pioli?  Nah, we wouldn’t operate like that.  Cuz that would be totally fucking busch league, and Pioli is the best GM in the NFL.  If he says Andy Alleman just happens to be one of these mythical “right players”, I believe him.  Lucky for us Alleman was available!  Those stupid Dolphins must not know “right” players when they see them.  I mean what were they last year, 11-5?  Have those guys ever even heard of rebuilding?

Ok, I’m starting to get a little angry here, so I’m gonna switch topics.  That “right 53 players” quote will be addressed in full at a later date, but for now we’ve got other matters to discuss.  Bullet points baby!

• R.I.P. Devard Darling- Farewell, Devard Darling.  You will most likely never play professional football again.  I can’t say I was a fan of yours, but I’ll tell you who was: The Darling Dude.  And I’m certainly a fan of his.  So in that way, I guess maybe I am kind of a fan of yours.  Not of your football playing, pre se, but you know what I mean.  Auf wiedersehen, Devard.  You will be missed (sort of).

• Speedwagon Support Skwad resurrected?- I don’t know if you guys caught this, but our boy Demorrio had 10 tackles saturday.  Given that he only played about half a game, I’d say thats pretty impressive.  I was worried Speedwagon was on the outs with the new coaching staff, but after his performance saturday he’s now listed with the first team (ahead of Derrick Johnson).  I’ve said many times before I thought Demorrio looked pretty similar to DJ last season when he was actually on the field.  The fact that he was in Gunther Cuntingham’s doghouse meant nothing to me then, and obviously it mean less than nothing now.  I doubt Speedwagon will be a starter come opening day, but it looks like he’s probably going to make the team.  Thats a good thing.

• TT status report- Apparently Tyler Thigpen has been playing with two broken ribs.  Yikes.  His trade value just keeps getting lower.  I gotta think if we’d shopped him right after last season ended we could’ve at least gotten a third rounder.  Now the best offer on the table is Jacksonville with a 5th.  Even if they up it to a 4th rounder I’d still say no deal.  To put it in perspective, our 4th round pick this year was Donald Washington.  Who is more valuable to this team, Thigpen or Washington?  I’m all for extra draft picks, but TT is worth way more than some wack second day pick, even if he is just a gimmick quarterback.

• Chan no longer the man- Are any of us really that surprised by this?  We hired an OC to be our head coach and installed a new offense.  His offense.  It makes sense he’d want to call the plays.  And realistically, he’s probably better at it.  Whatever you think of Haley as a head coach (I like him), lets not forget he ran one of the best offenses in the league last year.  We can’t really complain if he wants to keep doing what he does best.  It’s weird timing, and Gailey was one of our few bright spots last year, but it never really seemed like he fit with the new regime.  So while I wish Gailey nothing but the best, I can’t say I’m too broken up about his dismissal.  We’ve got far, FAR bigger fish to fry.

Speaking of frying fish, methinks I’ll have myself a feast when I get home from work.  Key Foods was having a 2-for-one sale yesterday, and you know ya boi was all over that.  What can I say, its not the best fish sticks, its the right fish sticks.  The fact that they’re also the cheap, gross fishsticks nobody else wants is just a happy coincidence.

Congratulations Arrowhead Pride!

I’ve been hinting at this for over a week now, and the result is that its kind of old news, but the Brothers Thorman over at Arrowhead Pride have officially been credentialed by the Kansas City Chiefs.  That’s right, there are now bloggers in the press-box.

It was only a matter of time before this happened somewhere, but did anyone honestly think the Chiefs would be leading the way?  I certainly didn’t.  Given his obvious hatred of the media, I had Scott Pioli pegged as a guy who would scoff at the mere mention of the word “blog”.  Thankfully (and unbelievably), I was wrong on that count.  Pioli and co. are way ahead of the game on this one.  I’m impressed.  This type of behavior is exactly what I want out of a general manager: gather the facts, assess the situation, and have the courage to ignore conventional wisdom and make the right call.  If this is an indication of things to come, Scott Pioli may very well live up to the hype.  Well, some of the hype.

The fact that this decision wasn’t directly football-related is meaningless to me.  It still displays a great mindset, and that’s what I’m really looking for when evaluating our football decision-makers.  To me, it’s not as much about what they do as it is why they do it.  Motivations are everything.  The results of an individual action are important, sure, but not nearly as important as the reasoning behind them. The results can be affected by a hundred different things; the reasoning is entirely under the decision maker’s control.  If we’re looking for an indicator of future success (or lack thereof), it is to the motivations we must turn.

Take Brodie Croyle, for instance.  Last year Croyle was anointed our “quarterback of the future” by Herm Edwards.  As we all know, that turned out to be a terrible decision.  Not only couldn’t Croyle hack it, he couldn’t even make it through a game.  Obviously, he wasn’t our quarterback of the future.  So Herm got that one wrong.  Is that a big deal?  Depends on the motivation.  Quarterback is a notoriously difficult position to draft and develop, and people drafted a lot higher than Croyle have flopped a lot worse.  Under normal circumstances, a 3rd round QB failing to get it done isn’t necessarily cause for alarm.  However, under closer scrutiny, the Brodie Croyle experiment is actually quite damning.  Herm anointed Croyle QBOTF without ever seeing any legitimate signs, even in preseason, that he was up to the task (Croyle had been terrible every time we’d seen him).  And not only that, he did so immediately after Clark Hunt expressed his desire to “draft and develop a franchise quarterback.”  Throw in Herm’s refusal to let any competition be brought in, and you’ve got a decision that, in my mind, tells you a lot of pretty terrible things about your head coach.  Things like: a) he doesn’t place nearly enough value on the QB position, b) his overall philosophy is malleable to whatever he thinks will get him in the owner’s good graces (and position him to be left standing after someone else (Carl) takes the fall*), c) he thinks young players should be coddled, not pushed, and d) he doesn’t take injury-history into account when determining where depth is needed.

*I’m really, really glad Herm’s pathetic attempts at manipulation didn’t work out for him in the end.  For a while there I was afraid they would.

See how much more we can learn if we’re willing to use our critical thinking skills to see the big picture?  Motivations, people.  Or motives, if you prefer*. They’re all-important.  And thats whats got me so excited about Pioli and co. issuing those press credentials to Arrowheadpride.  It’s not the credentials themselves, its what they signify: a front office willing to make the right move even if it bucks conventional wisdom.  As I’ve said many times before, following conventional wisdom in today’s NFL (or any sport really) is a recipe for getting left behind.  In my opinion its the biggest mistake GMs and head coaches make.  Why anchor yourself to the past when you can create the future?  We’ve never had a GM in KC, football or baseball, who understood that.  Now, thanks to this seemingly small move, I’m starting to hope, legitimately hope, that we may have found our guy.

*I don’t.  Always makes it seem to me like we’re talking about murder.

Now, I know what you guys are thinking.  You’re thinking, “Hey Hatt, how come Pioli picked Arrowhead Pride over the Chiefs Chat?”  Weird decision I know, but I guess he had his reasons.  Could be that those guys get 10,000 hits in the time it takes me to take a dump.  Or it could be that they don’t employ curse-filled rants and weird inside jokes, two staples of the ChiefsChat.  Or maybe Pioli just doesn’t like some know-it-all douchebag who cleans up dog shit for a living second-guessing his every move.  Who knows?  In any case, I’ll be expecting my own press credentials in the mail any day now.

As far as AP is concerned, I wish them my sincere congratulations.  Those guys have earned it.  How they keep that site running and still hold down jobs and have lives is totally beyond me.  Thats some serious dedication right there.  I may rag on their homer commenters from time to time, but the site itself is an invaluable resource for any die-hard Chiefs fan.  I don’t know what I’d do without it, frankly.  The thought of having to go back to that zombie Adam Teicher for my Chiefs news is terrifying.  I can’t believe he used to be my authority.  I read the guy now and wonder if he’s even capable of an original thought.  And don’t get me started on those video logs.  Those monstrosities give me nightmares.

Jeff Webb drafted by ESPN; Herm Edwards denies involvement

As you can all probably imagine, I was pleased as punch when I heard Jeff Webb had been released.  Granted, Webb’s fate was basically sealed the day his adopted father was shown the door, but it was still nice to make it official.  My only concern is how this is going to affect my old friend Kromb.  I spoke with him yesterday; he was devastated.  He really thought this was going to be Webb’s year.  Frankly, I’m afraid of the long-term damage this might do to our friendship.  Let’s just say things are gonna be pretty tense up here in the Big Apple for a while.

As for Webb’s replacement, Ashlie Lelie, I’ve just got one thing to say: meh*.  I’m not going to get too excited about a guy who’s washed out with 3 teams in 3 years.  That’s not to say I think bringing him in was a bad move.  Haley’s explanation is that Lelie, while not great, at least gives us a different look from our current receivers.  Ok, I’ll buy that.  It can’t hurt to bring him in, although the fact that we passed on him when we signed Toomer is hardly encouraging.  I’ve had a few people ask me what our receiving corps is going to look like this year, and I’m always a little surprised when I realize I hardly even care.  I don’t think any of them can step in and be a solid #2 receiver.  Honestly, I don’t even know if there’s a capable #3 in the bunch.  None of these guys are good, and none of them have much upside.  Darling, Lelie, and Bradley all have essentially the same story: good speed, drafted high, didn’t live up to potential.  Expecting any of these guys to all of the sudden “get it” is naive.  I mean I like Bradley, but would I like him if not for that sweet touchdown pass he threw to Thigpen?  Hard to say.

*This is my new most-hated, well, anything.  When I see this “word” typed out, it makes my blood boil.  I don’t even really know why.  It’s like I’ve got this face and voice that go with it, and the whole package is just infuriating.  Believe me, I didn’t want to type it myself, but I felt like I had to get this out there: do not ever put “meh” in a comment on my blog.  It will promptly be erased.

I’ll tell you what I would like to see: Toomer, Engram, and Terry Copper in a “who’s more boring” contest.  Who wins that one?  The sad thing is, all three of these guys could make the team.  Copper is obviously one of those guys coaches love, but who isn’t actually good at the sport he’s attempting to play.  The fact that he’s been running with the first team is a joke.  I know he’s a hard worker and has a great attitude and blah, blah, blah, but I’m hoping he gets cut.  And while I guess it’s good to have veteran leadership in the receiving corps, keeping both Toomer and Engram would be redundant to say the least.  Hopefully those two are competing for the same job.  I guess now that it comes down to it I’d like to see Bradley, Darling (purely out of respect to the Darling Dudes), and either Toomer or Engram make the squad and compete for that #2 spot opposite Bowe.  Although the only guy I’m really rooting for is Rodney Wright, and thats only because I have no idea who he is, and thus there is a chance, however small, that he might be good.  Apparently he’s been tearing it up in camp.  I’ll take it.  Better the unknown than the, uh, fartknown*.

*Wow.  I can’t believe I just typed that.  It wasn’t planned, I swear.  It just came out.  I realize its not funny, and it doesn’t make any sense, but you guys should’ve heard how hard I laughed when I first typed it.  I’m gonna leave it up there just for posterity’s sake.  Could be something I return to in the future.  I guess it means someone who stinks, and you know they stink, and you know they aren’t getting any better, but they’re on your team anyway just out of necessity.  In other words, the Kansas City Chiefs wide receivers.

I’ve been meaning to comment on Tamba Hali’s progression at linebacker for a while now, but you guys have basically taken the words right out of my mouth.  I, too, have my doubts about his ability to play in space, particularly in coverage.  But I, like you, will definitely be pulling for him.  He’s one of the few Chiefs players I actually like.  And you definitely can’t blame last year’s defensive debacle on him.  Hey, he had 3 times as many sacks as Dorsey, and Dorsey had a monster year!  So that must mean Hali had one of the greatest years of all time, right?  Seriously though, it wasn’t his fault the Lie Guys pretended he was a premier pass-rusher.  They’d just chased Jared Allen out of town and didn’t have anyone to take his place, so they needed to act like it was all part of the plan.  “Allen’s gone?  Who cares!  Tamba’s better anyway!” was the best they could come up with.  The bar was raised farther than it ever should’ve been.  Hali, like so many of us, was victimized by the Lie Guys’ ineptitude.  On a solid defense he’s probably still good for 6 or 7 sacks.  Yes, he was a reach in the first round, but thats not his fault either.  I look forward to seeing what he can do with competent coaches and decent (or at least mediocre) defense around him.

As far as Corey Mays is concerned, I’m really liking what I’m hearing about him.  It seems like he’s mentioned every day as having done something well.  Hard to explain why a guy like that would be on the scrap heap, but I’d rather watch an athletic youngster who might turn into something than a bunch of has-beens like Zach Thomas and Mike Vrabel.  I don’t want to hate on those guys too much, but you know what I mean.  Upside, baby.  Mays is definitely a guy to watch this preseason.

OK, I meant to get to the exciting news I mentioned monday, but this post got away from me a little and my shift at the old Dog Spa is coming to an end.  I’d pick up when I get home, but your boy is tired and sleep has been kind of hard to come by lately.  Stay with me, friends.  You will hear this news all in due time.

Preseason is the new postseason

Because of my status as an enlightened east coast artist, I obviously wasn’t able to watch the game saturday.  There’s just so much to do in New York, you know?  My life is, like, really really fast*.  I hardly care about sports, honestly.  I’m way more into poetry.  Poetry, and weird, outlandish clothing.  And anything independent.  And eastern religions.  Also I make my own hats.  It’s just one of the many ways I like to express myself.  It’s a very organic process.  I guess on the whole I’d have to say that I’m a pretty fascinating individual.  It’s like, there’s so many different sides of me, you kn0w?  Way more than other people.  So yeah, didn’t catch the game. 

*Psych.  I woke up at 4 on saturday and played washers on Kyle’s roof for six straight hours.  I also complained to at least five different people that I couldn’t watch the game.  Their reactions ranged from “preseason games suck” to “what are you talking about?”

I’d actually like to get some info on the game from you guys if possible.  I called Boom Boom lookin’ to get the AM radio report but he didn’t answer.  DP, I think you recapped a preseason game or two for me last season, so I nominate you to do it again.  I’ll expect your report on my desk (comment section)first thing in the morning.  Let’s say 7am.  Until then, I’m just gonna have to go on what I read.  Not that it matters much; this game sounds like it was pretty boring.  But I guess thats true of all preseason games.  I’m really hoping Goodell goes through with the idea of expanding the regular season at the expense of 2 preseason games.  That would be awesome.

I guess we looked pretty bad, right?  Thats to be expected.  I mean, we probably are pretty bad.  Our roster is basically last year’s plus a boring draft class and a bunch of old guys.  We’ll be better, but we aren’t going to be this year’s Falcons or Dolphins.  Pioli’s play-it-safe approach is going to take a couple years to really bear fruit (did somebody say build?).  In any case, I’m not gonna lose any sleep over a preseason loss in a torential downpour.  Although it would’ve been nice to see Cassel have some success.  Appparently he really couldn’t move the offense at all.  Hard to believe with guys like Terry Copper, Devard Darling and Brad Cottam running routes.  Next you’re gonna tell me Rudy Niswanger and Traffik Kopp weren’t holding their blocks.  Seriously guys, get real.

All joking aside, I’m starting to worry a bit about Todd Haley.  I still like his no-nonsense attitude on the whole, but I hate seeing my boi D-Bowe running with the third stringers in an actual game, even if it is preseason.  I wonder what Bowe did to piss Haley off so much?  Can it really just be lazy practice habits?  And is he really practicing that much worse than everyone else?  I find that hard to believe.  And even if it is true, ultimately its what happens during games that matters.  I realize good practice leads to good game performance, but no amount of hard work will turn Terry Copper into Dwayne Bowe.  When the games count, Bowe better damn well be in that starting lineup.  I’m sure Haley is just trying to motivate Bowe by benching him, but I don’t think tactics like that can work on someone so stupid and good-natured.  Bowe probably doesn’t even understand whats going on.  What if he never practices the way Haley wants him to?  Would Haley have to keep him on the bench to prove he can stick to his guns?  That outcome is totally unacceptable.  Bowe is vital to this team’s success.

On the plus side, I heard Tyler Thigpen played well.  That’s definitely good news.  Brodie Croyle had recently moved ahead of Thigpen on the depth chart, and I was even hearing rumors that Thigpen was in danger of losing his roster spot to Patriots castoff Matt Gutierrez.  I think thats an absolute joke.  Thiggy ain’t perfect, but he’s a great backup quarterback, particularly for this shotgun-heavy offense.  Having Croyle as our primary backup is a recipe for disaster.  The only person who should want Croyle as the #2 quarterback is the #3 quarterback.  Having Croyle ahead of him is a virtual guarantee he’ll be getting into the game if Cassel is ever out of action, because we all know BroCro can’t stay on the field for an entire game without suffering some kind of injury.  The more I think about it the more I want Croyle off this team entirely.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but check back in tomorrow for some exciting news in the Chiefs blogging community.

Newz its too late to yewz

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, Tyson Jackson has signed and is in training camp.  His contract is big, but about what you’d expect for a guy drafted where he was in today’s NFL.  Jackson missed almost a week of camp, but nobody made a big deal about it, myself included.  Hey, if I’d wanted an excuse to bag on Scott Pioli I certainly could’ve used this.  It’s already an issue near and dear to our hearts thanks to Carl Peterson.  But the thing is, I just wasn’t really concerned this time.  There was no sense of urgency.  The Chiefs were confident they’d have Jackson in camp when he needed to be, and I believed them.  I guess maybe its hypocritical of me to extend such trust to Scott Pioli when similar actions from Carl Peterson would surely have resulted in scathing reviews*.  It’s not like I made the decision intentionally; its just the way I naturally felt.  The fact is I already trust these total strangers (some of whom I don’t even like) more than anyone from our last regime.

*Given the media and fans’ nonchalant attitude about Jackson’s late arrival, it’s only a matter of time before Bob Gretz writes about how unfair it is that everyone was all over Carl for not getting picks into camp on time.  Actually, he probably wrote that already.

I’m happy Tyson is in camp.  He’s currently behind Alfie Boone on the depth chart, but unless Katz has a hand in personell decisions you gotta think thats gonna change pretty quickly.  Jackson will be starting at left end come week one.  What should we expect of our latest LSU block-eater?  Hard to say.  He had 10 sacks his sophomore year of college, but only eight combined his junior and senior years.   It probably isn’t realistic to expect Jackson to put up big sack numbers given his rookie status and our recent switch to the more linebacker-friendly 3-4.  However, we shouldn’t let youth be used as an excuse for legitimately bad play the way it was with Glenn Dorsey.  Rookie or not, Tyson Jackson will be under the microscope.  I’ll be looking for active, aggressive play and the ability to draw occassional double-teams*.  And while I know Tyson Jackson isn’t Jared Allen, I fully expect him to eclipse Dorsey’s monster 1-sack rookie campaign.  Somewhere in the 3-5 range seems reasonable.

*This may not sound like much, but there’s a catch.  I want Jackson to draw actual double-teams, as opposed to fake doubles, or “Dorsey Doubles” as I like to call them.  Allow me to explain the difference:

Actual Double- When a team is forced to use 2 blockers on one player

Dorsey Double- When fans or coaches convince themselves a player has been double-teamed because its easier than recognizing and admitting his poor performance

Dwayne Bowe is officially in Todd Haley’s doghouse.  A couple days ago Bowe was demoted to second team for apparent disciplinary reasons, but it seemed like our most talented receiver was bound to be back with the first unit in no time.  Instead, the opposite has happened.  Bowe is now working with the third team, and is listed behind some guy named Terrence Copper on the depth chart.  Even Adam Teicher smells trouble, and that guy has never made an intuitive leap in his life.  I’m still confident Bowe will be back in the starting lineup when it counts, but I wish he wasn’t giving our coaches reason to demote him, even if it is only a training camp demotion.  D-Bowe may be stupid (very, very stupid), but he’s the biggest weapon in our offense BY FAR.  We need things to go right with him.  If they don’t, we could be looking at a whole lot of Amani Toomer and Bobby Engram (average age: 35), or worse yet, Jeff Webb.  I don’t think anyone wants that.

There’s been some great stuff in the comments section lately (welcome aboard #1 block-eater!), keep it up.  That comment Young made about Dorsey having adult-onset diabetes had me LOLin all over town this weekend.  And Piano Man once again made some solid points in the preseason ticket-force argument.  Even I have to admit that comment about the Steelers and Cowboys having bigger national followings than the Broncos, and thus being more of a danger to invade Arrowhead, did make sense.  It doesn’t change my overall opinion on the argument, but its true nonetheless.  Anyhoo, I finally got a computer, so I’ll have daily access to the Chiefschat and should be better equipped to make responses.  I’m looking forward to it.  I feel like we can finally really chat!  So, uh…..how’s the weather been in KC?

Heeeee’s BA-AAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

Just when you thought it was safe to be a Chiefs offensive lineman, Glenngary Glenn Dorsey has exploded back onto the practice field.  Whether Dorsey actually passed the fitness test or was merely given a “Jesus Christ this guy is never gonna finish this” exemption, he is now practicing with the team.  It’s been fun, but all hilarious things must come to an end.  And boy was this conditioning debacle hilarious.  I guess I may have piled it on Dorsey a bit, but when the highest paid defender in team history is in worse shape than Traffik Kopp, Ron Edwards, Tank Tyler and Alfie Boone I think he deserves some razzing.  But all thats over now.  Dorsey can finally get back to doing what he does best: scarfin’ on (fake)double-teams* and rackin’ up (fake)tackles.  No sacks though.  Those don’t matter, stupid!

*I read some idiot blog commenter the other day saying Dorsey was actually getting triple-teamed at times last year.  When people say things like that it makes me wonder if they even watched the games.

I’ll say this for Dorsey: I just watched a video from training camp where some reporters were asking him questions about his first day of practice and he said something I really liked.  He was breathing like Kenan Thompson doing James Harrison on weekend update while he said it, but I still liked it.  Someone lobbed him a softball about whether its going to take some time to get used to the switch to defensive end.  Classic KC reporter question, really.  Only ask exactly what you think the athlete or coach wants to be asked.  Anyway, Dorsey didn’t take the bait.  He basically said his new position is hardly any different from his old one, and that the switch shouldn’t really affect him.  Whether or not this is true, I respect the fact that he didn’t seize the opportunity to make an excuse for himself.  And I think there is some truth to his answer.  Obviously defensive end is different from tackle, but in a 3-4 ends play a little like tackles anyway, and they only line up slightly more to the outside.  If Dorsey was going to be a stud tackle in a 4-3, there’s no reason he can’t be a pretty good end in a 3-4.  It may not be ideal, but moving two steps to the right is not a career killer.  So kudos to you, Glenn Dorsey.  You may be a fat bust, but at least you’ve got more integrity than most of your fans.

In other, more boring news, the Chiefs signed Amani Toomer yesterday.  I got a couple texts from people wanting my thoughts, but I honestly don’t really have any.  Toomer was boring 5 years ago, so what is he now?  If this move gets Jeff Webb one step closer to the unemployment line then its cool with me, but I’m not about to heap praise on Scott Pioli for bringing in another receiver in his mid-thirties.  Is Toomer going to start for us?  I hope not, but I’m afraid he might.  Mark Bradley was supposed to be the #2 guy, but it doesn’t sound like Todd Haley has been too impressed with him.  And I don’t think anyone (outside of the Darling Dude) has been impressed with Devard Darling.  DVD had his chance last year and he blew it.  That guy will probably never start another game in the NFL.  Hell, he may never play another game in the NFL.  No matter.  Regardless of who wins what jobs, we’re going to need a huge year from Dwayne Bowe.  After him the pickins get pretty really slim.

A few posts ago I mentioned how lame I thought it was that the Chiefs were forcing fans who wanted to buy tickets to the Dallas and Pittsburgh games to also buy tickets to a specified preseason game.  I said the move was without precedent.  The Piano Man corrected me, saying this move has been done before.  I did some research, and it turns out he was right.  San Diego and Oakland do this to keep each other’s fans away when they play.  So yes, this has been done before.  I still think its wack.  The reason our front office picked those teams is because they’re the biggest draw, plain and simple.  The Chiefs brass wants to bilk their fans out of as much money as possible; this after we payed for a renovated stadium and sat through the worst stretch in franchise history.  I find that disgusting.  And don’t try to tell me it has anything to do with preserving the sea of red.  Otherwise why not do this for the Denver game?  Denver is just as close as Dallas and much closer than Pittsburgh, and they’re in our division.  It seems like if we should be trying to keep any fans out its theirs.  And does anyone honestly think Cowboy and Steeler fans would be coming out in droves to see the 2-14 Chiefs and their league basement payroll?  Give me a break.  This is a slimy move by our front office.  To call it anything else is naive.

Having said that, I was wrong when I said this had never been done before.  Props to Piano Man for getting it right.  I get by with a little help from my friends.

So apparently Bernard Pollard was talking so much shit during a scrimmage yesterday that a brawl almost broke out.  I’m not sure what to think about this.  I love Pollard (he and Brandon Flowers are my favorite players), but taunting your own teammates so badly they want to fight you seems a little extreme.  I’d give anything (up to $10) to hear what he was saying.  Hopefully he keeps it up when the regular season starts.  I like my defenders to be talking shit, and I think it can have a legitimate impact on the game.  Now that Pat Thomas is gone we’re gonna need someone with fire in his eyes.  Can Pollard be that guy?  I mean sure he doesn’t have Thomas’ raw athleticism, or his broad skill set, or his warrior mentality, or his football IQ, or his presence in the community……what church does Pollard even go to?

And finally, in Beast news, its looking like Brad Cottam might not win that starting tight end job after all.  I’ll give you a few days to let that sink in.

Dorsey watch

In continuation of what is quickly becoming one of the most hilarious situations in Chiefs history, Louisiana Fats still isn’t practicing.  For the third day in a row, he failed the conditioning test and was relegated to humiliating busywork drills on the sidelines while his teammates practiced actual football.  I gotta say, I think this is pretty awesome.  If that fat piece of shit refuses to put in the work in the offseason then he deserves some humble pie.  And really, how sad is it that our highest paid defender is also in the worst shape on anyone on our team?  Word is Dorsey reported to the first offseason workouts 30 pounds overweight.  That is just pathetic.  Motivation is obviously an issue for this guy.  And I’ll tell you something else: the excuses everyone was making for him last year clearly didn’t help anything.  Instead of having a fire lit under his fat ass he heard everyone (Beast Nation, Lie Guys, Gretz) talking about how great he was doing, all while he was getting credited with a bunch of tackles he didn’t make.  The end result is that this bow-legged lardass went into the offseason thinking everything was hunky-dory and he was free to get his straight-up fat on.  But thats not the real scary part.  The real scary part is that after he showed up fatter than shit and Todd Haley told him he had to get in better shape, Dorsey still couldn’t pull it together.  This, in my eyes, is the nail in the coffin.  It’s official: Glenn Dorsey is a bust.

I was furious when the Chiefs drafted Dorsey, but at various points over the past year or so I’ve been able to delude myself into thinking he might turn into a good player.  I am no longer entertaining those delusions.  It doesn’t appear the Chiefs are either.  Scott Pioli used his first 2 draft picks on guys who play Dorsey’s position, and Todd Haley has decided Dorsey isn’t even fit to practice with the team.  Those two things send a pretty clear message as to what our new leaders think of Herm’s prized draft pick.  Of course, Beast Nation would prefer not to put these pieces together.  For them, ignorance is indeed bliss.  I have to admit I’m extremely interested to see how they react to Dorsey’s imminent failure.  My guess is most will continue clinging to excuses.  My boi Chief DJ already has his lined up.  Check this out:

“….had he been left at DT, I have no doubt he would continue to develop into a dominant player.”

So there it is.  The template for all future Dorsey excuses.  At first it was the adjustment from playing against “lawyers and accountants”, now its the position switch.  Another slam-dunk.  The best part about this excuse is it can last for Dorsey’s entire tenure with the Chiefs.  It’s not his fault, he’s playing out of position!  This excuse won’t help when Dorsey switches back to DT for another team and still sucks, but there’s a whole different formula for that part of the process.  When you’re dead wrong about someone, you just have to have enough excuses to last until they’re gone.  Then if anyone wants to call you out on your idiocy, you simply say, “He’s gone, I don’t want to talk about him anymore.  And anyway, I was just trying to be optimistic.  Jeez dude, get over it.”  Presto!  You’ve managed to avoid admitting your mistake.  And as an added bonus you get to imply you’re a superior fan because of your amazing optimism.  The perfect crime.

There are also many that want to blame Dorsey’s pathetic offseason efforts on some sort of mysterious injury.  Hence the inclusion in every article or blog post on the subject of the sentence, “Todd Haley wouldn’t confirm whether Dorsey’s continued absence from practice is due to injury.”  Of course it isn’t.  Simple deductive reasoning tells us that.  Todd Haley wouldn’t be forcing an injured player to do 100-yard runs and conditioning drills.  Derrick Johnson and Kolby Smith are injured and neither have taken the fitness test.  Also, both their injuries have been confirmed by Chiefs brass.  Would the rules really be different for Dorsey?  And not just different, but cruelly so?  Would Haley and Pioli really humiliate a guy the way they’re humiliating Dorsey if he was legitimately injured?  Dorsey may have been wearing an ice pack on his obese left leg, but lets not create an injury excuse where there clearly isn’t one.  The reason Dorsey has continually failed the fitness test is because he’s too fat.  The reason he’s too fat is because he didn’t work out in the offseason.  End of story.

On a more positive note, I’m liking Todd Haley more with each passing day.  I have no idea if he’ll actually make a good coach; it’s too early to make even an educated guess on that.  But I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be lying to us constantly and making excuses for terrible players.  He also strikes me as a guy who will take his lumps if he fails to get the job done.  Basically the anti-Herm Edwards.  It’s possible Haley’s no-nonsense attitude will eventually alienate some of his players (already happened with Waters), but I’ll take that chance if it means we get to have a coach who isn’t totally full of shit.  Congratulations Todd Haley, you’re a preseason favorite for Big Matt’s pick to click list*.

*Lets be honest, the pickins have been pretty slim for this list the past couple seasons.  Hell, I think Tank Tyler was a pick to click his rookie year.  Now he’s practically assured a spot on Kone-Dawg’s Bigg Doggs.  ashes to ashes, dust to dust.